Baby Crolley is a..........BOY!

Yesterday was our 16 week appointment, no ultrasounds were scheduled. Basically we were going to hear little one's heart beat and then speak with the doctor about any questions we may have. I remembered on our first visit that you could do an *optional* sex determination ultrasound from weeks 15-18 for $75, insurance doesn't cover it. OF COURSE, I wanted to do the ultrasound!! Not only did I want to know if there was a little boy or little girl in there, but more importantly it would put my mind at ease just to see that everything was okay since the subchorionic bleed I had.

Josh and I asked our mom's to come with us, knowing they were just as anxious to see baby! Just imagine how much ultrasounds have changed since they last had one to look at their babies. As soon as we started the ultrasound, to my relief, I saw little one moving around just fine. :) He was measuring a few days ahead, heart rate of 149 bpm, and there was no sign of a subchorionic bleed anymore. WHew! The next mission was to see between those legs....which he was not having! Every time we could get a good angle, he would cover his "goods" with his hands (modest little one)! After patting on my belly, coughing, turning on my left side, using the ladies room (again), and placing me basically on my head...we were able to see our little boy! Immediately I teared up.... it was amazing to know and watch him moving around. Imagining life with a little boy, I was almost convinced we were having a girl, so I was in shock and in love all at the same time! Seeing him suck his thumb was the cutest thing I have seen, and of course Josh, my mom, and his mom loved watching that too!

So, Connor Winston Crolley will be joining this world in June and we can not wait!

Pictures @ 12w3d :)

Truley amazed by the little face that you can see in this ultrasound ^




Little one waving at us ^

Oh no!

So I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, I know I truly was thankful to spend time with our family. Also, I ate a ton of food! :)

This past Saturday morning, while I was getting ready to go to work, I started bleeding. 1,000 thoughts ran through my mind......Oh NO, this can't be! How can we go through so much and then this starts now?!...There is never anything good that comes out of bleeding while you are pregnant... As I tried to hold back the tears, it wasn't happening... I completely lost it. It is so amazing how attached you become to the little one, even at 12 weeks 3 days. I felt like I was loosing it all, my heart was broken. Josh had already left the house that morning and in my head I couldn't decided if I should call him and tell him. My thoughts were "I don't want to worry him anymore than I am if I tell him right now....But if I don't tell him now, he wouldn't be happy with me." Of course I called him, and I am so glad he remained calm because it sure was hard for me. The bleeding turned into spotting, which made me feel a little better. I decided to continue on and go to work, and call the on call doctor as soon as I got to work.

I definitely wasn't in my cheerful mood on the way to work, I just felt as if something was right. As soon as I got there, I called the answering service and awaited anxiously for a call back. Ten minutes later, my phone rings and it is Dr. Risinger. I haven't met her as a patient, but I have met her while working and have heard nothing but wonderful things about her. I was so relieved just to have a call back, I told her everything that had happened that morning and she told me she wanted to see me. She just so happen to be at the hospital, how convenient! She needed to see all her patients in the hospital and called me as soon as she had seen everyone and told me to meet her at the office. Luckily, the office is connected to the Children's hospital so just a short stroll and I was there.

Dr. Risinger walked me straight back to the ultrasound machine.. and immediately little one was waving at us on the screen! Baby still had a strong heartbeat. As she continued looking around, Dr. Risinger stated that we have a very photogenic and active baby. What a relief!! Turns out I had a subchorionic bleed. Which basically from everything that I have read means that a small part of the placenta tears from the uterine wall and a small blood clot develops. She didn't seem too concerned and mentioned this is one of the most common causes of bleeding during pregnancy, said that it should resolve on it and I may see spotting up until 16 weeks. I was told to take it easy, which is easy to do at home...not so much at work! Boy, you have NO idea how much relief it was to see little one still bouncing around and still looking fabulous. I was terrified that I would have to wait for my appointment on Monday morning, which I think I would have gone insane constantly thinking what was going on in there.

Giving thanks....

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, there is no better time than to give all my thanks to everything that has happened in my life!

As you know, I am beyond thankful (words can't describe how I feel) for our precious little miracle that God has blessed us with. It has been 11 beautiful weeks and we can't wait to see the rest of these weeks! As much as we went through over the past year: all the prayers, heartaches, wishes and dreams, physical and emotional breakdowns, and the many tears that I left on Josh's shoulders makes me even more thankful. I am even thankful for that journey we went through because it has made my relationship with my husband even stronger than I ever thought it could possibly be. We are both so excited for this NEW journey that we are on and count our blessings each and everyday. I am so thankful for all of my family and friends that has been by our side! We definitely learned who truly cares for us and it has made our relationships so much better. I couldn't ask for any better, supportive family and friends. I want all of you to know we couldn't have survived through this last year without y'all!

I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving with their loved ones. Enjoy the time spent together, the memories that are made and remember those loved ones that are no longer with us. Enjoy the turkey, green beans, mac and cheese, and all the desserts...because I know I definitely will!! :) Love all of you so much!!

Our first visit with the OBGYN

Baby Crolley @ 9.5 weeks (hard to see) ^

We were so happy when we had our last visit at Dr. Moore's office last Thursday! By that I mean, our baby has progressed and continued to grow and is now out of his expertise! I am very appreciative of everything that Dr. Moore has done for us, even though it was a rough ride and cost us a pretty penny. Every bit of it was completely worth it, and I'd do it all over again just to see that beautiful image on the screen!

Today we went to our first visit with a new OBGYN, for prenatal blood work and a dating ultrasound. We actually got to hear the heartbeat for the first time too! Previously we were just able to see it beat at Dr. Moore's office. I truly believe that is the best sound to any mother and father's ears! Just amazing to hear :) Baby bean has a beautiful strong heartbeat at the rate of 173bpm. The ultrasounds have consistently shown that bean is measuring about a week behind from my last period (between Dr. Moore and Women's Physicians Associates). So basically instead of me being 10weeks 4 days, I am 9weeks 5days. Our estimated due date changed officially from June 7th to June 15th. We also saw that my ovaries still look very large according to the new office I am seeing. Little do they know is that my ovaries are the size of peas compared to a month ago, when they were grapefruits! Otherwise, everything is going as smoothly as it could go! :)

Josh and I decided we needed to take a short getaway this past Friday. We packed up and headed towards the mountains. We spent Friday in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge, TN and came home late Saturday night. We would have loved to stay longer, but with all the hospital and infertility bills we knew we could only just stay one night. It truly was a fabulous time for us just to get away from everything and enjoy being with each other, which was much needed after everything we have been through recently.

Baby Crolley (hard to see) and the heartbeat! ^

9 weeks...

Not sure about this belly yet... I completely lost most of the fluid I had accumulated, and then this past week I have had this little bump appear. Part of me thinks some fluid is coming back because I shouldn't look any different at 9 weeks. So, who knows!! We don't go back until November 11th for our last ultrasound with Dr. Moore, we will be 9 weeks and 6 days then. Still no morning sickness, thank God!
Just a little update :)

8 weeks prego...

Here is Baby Crolley's new picture, at 8 weeks. Technically lil bean is measuring smaller than they say how far along I am, but Dr.Moore says that everything looks good. He doesn't feel like there is anything to be concerned with because we still have a strong heartbeat and went from 4mm to 11.2mm, so we have good growth! All we can do is continue praying that this baby is strong and continues to grow with no complications! Our estimated due date is June 7, 2011, I have a feeling it will definitely be changing though to a later date. Either way I am fine with that as long as baby makes an appearance. :) Dr.Moore told us that we could stay with them for one more ultrasound or I could go ahead and go to my OBGYN. I decided to stay with Dr.Moore just one more time, I mean wouldn't you?! Who knows when I will get another ultrasound with the OB, and I KNOW I will be getting one on November 11th. After that ultrasound, we will then be transferred to a new OBGYN that I have never seen before, hopefully all goes well!

After our ultrasound, Josh and I took an adventure to Babies R Us, Buy Buy Baby, and Burlington Baby Depot to take a looksie at cribs and furniture! Boy was that fun!! I think I have narrowed down what I like, but of course will not buy anything until after the first trimester! I just wanted to get ideas and prices, since those are so important! We also bought our first pack of diapers last week to stash away in the closet, our plan is to buy a pack each time we go grocery shopping once a week. I was overly excited just to buy those, haha... I know, totally crazy!

soooo.. looks like we have a miracle joining us in June!!!!

Finally I get to share our great news....We will be expecting a little baby Crolley this June!! It was soooo hard to keep that quiet, a select few knew but the majority of people I had to lie to! I am soooo sorry for the lies, I wanted to at least see a heartbeat before it became broadcast news.. You have nooooo idea how happy we are, each day we get more and more excited!

We found out about a week and a half before I was admitted into the hospital, so trying to explain what was going on without mentioning the baby was VERY hard!! We had to get a little creative with the stories sometimes, sorry! :) The reason my body wouldn't quit producing the fluid was because the more hcg hormone (pregnancy hormone produced by baby)that is produced, the worse it gets. HCG doubles about every other day, so that explains why I am still dealing with fluid in my abdomen. Two Thursdays ago, we headed to the doctor's office with the intentions of seeing a heartbeat, little did we know we were walking into a huge scare! Dr.Moore was concerned that I still had a ton of fluid, I even asked to be drained again! So I headed back to Baptist for an outpatient paracentesis and had a little over 2 liters drawn off again.
Before we went to the hospital, we had an ultrasound in the office. Dr.Moore kept saying, "oook...hummmm...oook" as we were watching on the ultrasound screen (having NO idea what I was looking at!) for what seemed like an eternity! Immediately I knew something was wrong and freaked out!! He told me he was concerned because we couldn't see a fetal pole (the first signs of a heartbeat) even though there was a perfect gestational sac and yok sac. To hear the words "threatened abortion" was our worst nightmare! In my head all I could think "How?! How is this possible, I am still producing a ton of fluid, I would think that means our little baby is still growing!" After everything we have been through, this was the absolute worst thought ever!!! While I had more blood work drawn, to make sure the hormone was increasing as it should all I could do was pray. I wanted to burst out in tears right in front of everyone in the office and I couldn't even look at Josh's face, as I knew he was just as heartbroken as me. We prayed and left that office with so many fears, and a little gleam of hope that this baby would be strong and push through! That afternoon, Dr.Moore called us with my blood results which was right on point and doubling beautifully. Turns out according to more calculations, we were not as far along as everyone had originally thought. PHEWWW!! Dr.Moore told me that this isn't a freak out moment yet, wanted us to wait another week and come back for another ultrasound. Needless to say, this week was the longest wait I feel like I had ever been through. A ton of prayers, tears,trying to stay positive, and my awesome husband is what got me through that horrible week!!

I was so nervous, scared, and anxious while we waited for this ultrasound. It felt like it took them forever to come to the room, as I sat on the table. A week later, we saw our baby's beautiful heartbeat! How amazing is that to say?! The absolute best feeling in the world! I looked over at Josh and all he could do was smile, you couldn't wipe that grin off his face! :) Dr.Moore was still concerned that I had a moderate amount of fluid, but gave me permission to finally go back to work (even though he was hesitant) but I had to take it easy! He said he had never seen someone have fluid that lasted this long, and thought possibly that I needed to be drained again. I refused the drain, I felt the best I had in weeks. I was eating, drinking, could breathe fine, and moving around very well. Life couldn't get any better at this moment in time!!

This Friday I will be 8 weeks, very early still and continue to pray everyday that our baby grows and is healthy & happy! I go back for another ultrasound this Friday, luckily we have ultrasounds weekly! How many people get to say that?! I guess that is the only plus about going through all the infertility treatments, most people don't get to see but 1 ultrasound around 10-12 weeks. I pray that I don't get morning sickness, as none of that has started. I figure maybe the Lord thinks we have been through enough that He wants to make this a little easier for me! ;) Either way, I am grateful that I haven't had any nausea or vomiting. My only symptoms are that I have to use the little girls room at least 1-3 times during the night and like 100 times during the day....and I am eating like a cow!

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the prayers!! All those prayers is what as gotten us through this horrible time. I am very appreciative for all the support from our family and friends, not sure what I would have done without all of y'all! Lastly, I want to thank my husband, Josh who has been through all of this with me and still continues to be my rock. He has been excellent at taking care of me while I was sick and couldn't walk. Not to mention, he has been fabulous with getting me everything that I am craving!! :) I couldn't ask for a better husband and can't wait to see him as a father! Love you Boo!
Thank you Lord for this amazing miracle that you have blessed us with, we are sooo grateful!!

At home...hopefully recovering quickly!

Last I posted I was still admitted in the hospital, well I was sent home on Sunday (thank goodness! being a patient is definitely not for me!). Before they sent me home Sunday, I had developed more fluid than I think I ever have before. I had another paracentesis done (3rd time being tapped) and had 3.5 liters of fluid removed from my abdomen. Boy did I feel better! So as of now, I have had about 6.5 liters removed within less than 1 week!! Dr. Moore felt like I could go home and make sure that I had good fluid intake and output, bedrest, and that I could monitor myself just as well. As my week started I felt great, and then Tuesday I noticed not only was I developing ascites again but my lower back had pitting edema (for all you non-medical people, you could press your finger into my back and leave an indentation from it). I was told to continue monitoring it, weigh myself frequently, and measure my abdominal girth and if I couldn't make it to my follow up appointment on Friday than to call earlier. Well needless to say I was getting miserable again, back to the doctor's office we go only to be sent back to Baptist hospital for another paracentesis (that makes 4!!). I had a little over 2 liters drawn off and like usual, felt immediately better! (That makes a total of 8.5 liters removed from my little self!) We are unsure if the fluid will come back, Dr. Moore was truly hoping this is the last time but can't promise anything. So now I am back at home, resting....and resting...and resting! I am soo tired of resting and am so ready to get my life back to normal, not to mention get back to work!

I hate I am going to probably miss the State Fair this year, but I guess I will live.... :) Thanks for all the prayers, it means the world to me!!

Sitting in the hospital....

Well I haven't updated in a while, figured I might as well since I have nothing else to do while I sit in the hospital. We thought that I was going to sneak by the OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) but that didn't happen. Early this week I started to feel bloated but didn't think anything about it... then next thing I knew it was hard to breathe, I was swollen waaaay more than last time, very nauseated, hurt to void, couldn't stand straight, and could barely walk. So Dr.Moore did a transvaginal aspiration=no fun! Trust me, you don't want to know the details of that one, but they only do this procedure about 1-2 times a year! I had 2.5L of fluid drained from my belly and was sent home with Vicodin & Zofran. Wednesday I was feeling like a new woman, then wham it hit me again Thursday night. I was having a sleepless night and was headed to Dr. Moore's office that morning. Well I tried with all my might but I couldn't stand up for longer than a minute. I had intentions of showering (because all of you know I am a little priss pot! :) but I spent 99% of my time on the bathroom floor trying to gather enough energy to stand up. Needless to say, I was glad I had a shower Thursday evening! I was paler than I have ever seen myself and constantly dry heaving! Josh toted my hiney to the office and as soon as I walked in they were concerned about me. We did some bloodwork, then next thing I knew I was being wheeled out of the office to be admitted to Baptist hospital.

We arrived at Baptist, had an IV placed with a bolus of fluids, scheduled a paracentesis (drainage of fluid from the outside of your abdomen), and then albumin adminstered. Albumin is a protein product to help replace all the protein I was loosing from the swelling, I recieved 2 seperate infusions of that. They drained 1L of fluid from my belly, which was way more comfortable this way than the transvaginal way. After the drain I was feeling much better. I had more energy (of course from all those fluids) and I could actually breathe and walk some! Well, as the night went along I felt it was getting harder to move in the bed & my abdomen was getting sooo tight. When I finally looked at it, it was more swollen than it was yesterday before the drain! Dr. Moore came in this morning with intentions of sending me home until he took a look at my stomach. He decided he wanted to do two more doses of albumin today and then another paracentesis. He wants me to try and wait until Sunday to have it drained again and then possibley go home. So I am miserabley sitting here waiting for tomorrow for some drain relief, and praying that it will last longer than it did last time! On top of it all I developed a lovely UTI, just lovely!!

The worst part about this is that Dr.Moore can't tell me how long this will last. Everyone is different, and when my ovaries finally decided to quit producing all that fluid is when these symptoms will subside. There is no treatment for OHSS, all you can do is treat the symptoms to make you more comfortable.

I am so thankful for all our family and friends. They have been so supportive, it means the world to us. The concerns, flowers, ballons,cards,and edible arrangements put a smile in my heart! As this tough journey countinues we know that it will all be worth it! "Never said it was gonna be easy..."

We continue to pray for our little miracle!

Every side effect....

So now we wait the dreaded wait! IUI was done and I found out my E2 level when I went to the office, it was 2,000 something!! OMG, waaay higher than last cycle. I have definately produced more follicles this time too, possibley 3 mature with >40 immature. My abdomen had started to swell just a tiny bit on Saturday, so Dr. Moore prescribed me this medication called Cabergoline. It is supposed to help with any swelling that would result from hyperstimulation. Well needless to say, I have most of the side effects from it! Dizziness, fatigue, nausea, weakness, and the dreaded constipation! So I am NOT a pleasant person to be around right now. Dr. Moore wants me to stop taking the medicine and let him know if things get worse.
So for today, I have accomplished absolutely nothing except keeping the couch warm! Hoping to feel better sooner rather than later!

whooo hooo!

So today was a good day.. I had another ultrasound and blood work done. Today's ultrasound showed 2 mature follicles (1 in each ovary), with 1 that isn't far behind @ 15mm. I also have greater than 20 immature follicles in my left ovary and also in my right ovary! No wonder I am feeling all these twinges through out the day! I don't know my E2 level, they never called me with that. I guess I have my answer with mature follicles.

I am supposed to take an ovulation test today at 5pm, if it shows positive then I take my HCG trigger shot right then and we go for IUI on Friday. If it is negative then I take my HCG trigger shot at 10pm and have IUI on Saturday. The HCG trigger shot is what started my ovaries with hyperstimulation last time when I was soooo miserable. So I am just trying to prepare myself for that to happen again...which most likely it will. It took several days after that injection before my abdomen started swelling up and feeling bad. I keep reminding myself that it will be ALL worth it! :)

Apparently I am going to have to change my diet again because I have been having all the side effects I had when I started taking my Metformin. My body had adjusted to it, or so I thought. I have been feeling yucky..so time to cut back on those carbs, sugars, and fried foods and maybe my tummy will feel better.

I am staying positive, not stressing, and praying. That is all I can do, just leaving everything in God's hands.

We are getting there...

Today was a big day with having the ultrasound. It always makes me feel better to actually see what is going on in there. And looks like I have 16 immature follicles in my left ovary and I have 17 immature follicles in my right. There are 3 follicles that measure 14mm, which is the biggest right now. Dr. Moore prefers them to be atleast 18mm to be considered mature before we can trigger with the shot. (Trigger shot is hcg that causes you to ovulate within 36 hours). Average follicle will grow 1-2mm per day, so hopefully we will have some mature within the next couple of days.

I also had my estradiol drawn, and the numbers jumped from 158 to 579 this time! :) Whooo Hoo...Last cycle they were at 501, so we are about on track. They want me to continue with taking my Follistim at the same dose and come back Thursday for bloodwork and ultrasound. Hopefully that will be the last one!!

Now I have done great about not stressing this cycle, and I am not trying to start. I have no idea what I will do with my work schedule now, because I was hoping and planning to have the IUI on Thursday or Friday (my only 2 days off in a row). So it looks like it might be on Friday or Saturday. Friday will be fabulous, but I have a feeling it will be Saturday which happens to be my day to work! I seriously think it will be hard to find anyone that is willing to work my Saturday, I mean who WANTS to work Saturday! OH WELL... no stressing, what will be WILL be! :)

Slowly creeping..

This morning was soooo hard for me to get out of bed to head to the doctor's office! I think getting up every day of the week and having to be somewhere by 8am (work and doctor's office) is killing me! Haha... I know, I know... what do I expect when I have a baby?! That will be a little different because I won't have to get showered and dressed that early to go somewhere every day, and plus there is always nap time! :) Needless to say, I rolled out of bed, brushed my teeth, and headed to the office! Nothing pretty about this morning.. ;)

So I had my E2 level done again today, and it increased to 158. Last time the 3rd blood draw was 167. So we aren't on the same track as last cycle. Dr.Moore called me and told me to increase my Follistim to 125 units since it is creeping up and come back on Tuesday for more blood work and then an ultrasound... I am excited about the ultrasound because I get to visually see what those follicles are doing rather than going off of blood work! Let's pray for great follies and great E2 levels!

Josh and I stopped by a friend's house that is going through infertility on Friday night. It really was good to be able to relate to each other about this stuff. It makes you feel not so alone when you actually know people that are going through one of the toughest things in life. I continue to pray for Heather & Kyle and fully believe they will become parents, and not just parents but GREAT parents! :) Love you guys!

It dropped....

So my E2 levels dropped to 63....booo! But it is still higher than my 2nd blood draw on the last cycle which was in the 30's. Apparently each mature follicle will produce atleast 200 of estradiol, so we aren't close yet. I have never heard of it dropping while still taking the same dose of Follistim. So this is an indication that it is time to increase my medication. So I am increasing from 75 units to 100 units and will go back Sunday morning for more bloodwork.

And the results are....

So my E2 levels are 71! Not fabulous, but we are starting off better than we did the last time. In comparison, my first E2 level last cycle was 27. So Dr. Moore wants me to continue taking the follistim injections at the same dose and come back for blood work on Friday! Let's hope for those numbers to double! :)

Follow your heart....

So, after long discussions with Josh we decided to follow our heart! Both of us felt in our hearts we wanted to do this process again. It just didn't feel right when we said we would take a break for a while. So, the plan is to try this just one more time and if it doesn't work, THEN we will take a long break. I have been taking all different kinds of fertility medications since January, and it takes a toll on both of us, emotionally and physically.

I had my follow up ultrasound last week, and all is clear! Well, as clear as it could possibly be. I started taking Letrozole last Thursday and finished with those pills last night. I also started my injections of Follistim yesterday afternoon, for who knows how long! Dr.Moore wanted to schedule an HSG last cycle but he was on vacation during the time frame that you are supposed to perform it. I had to go to Baptist hospital today for my HSG x-ray. HSG stands for Hysterosalpingogram, and it is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes. It is visualized by inserting dye into the uterus. We basically wanted to make sure that my fallopian tubes weren't blocked and that everything was normal. I had heard HORROR stories about how horrible this test was... so I was terrified! Not only was I scared of the pain, I was also nervous that I would hear my tubes were blocked! I took Tylenol before the procedure and I survived it! It was definitely not as bad as I thought it was, but I would never want to do it again!! Dr. Moore says he has a special way of performing it that reduces the pain and I would say that it worked!! :) AND the best news of all is that EVERYTHING is normal, thank the good Lord! He also said that the dye sometimes "flushes" the tubes out of any debris..... so that is also a good thing!
Rumor has it that alot of people tend to get pregnant after having the HSG, just for the fact of the flushing of the tubes... so only time will tell! I will admit that I spent the rest of the day on the couch, a little sore.
Tomorrow I go for blood work to see what my E2 levels are. The level from that determines how well I am responding to the follistim and if we need to decrease/increase my amount of medication I give myself each day. He started me out on a higher dose than the last time, so HOPEFULLY it won't take as long to get mature follicles. So here starts the every other day blood work, hoping I won't be near as bruised as the last time.

Hoping and praying that everything goes well this cycle. I am not near as stressed as I was in the past cycle. Also, I kind of know what to expect, so that helps! I have the mindset that if it is supposed to happen than it will! And all the stressing in the world will not change that! :) So we will continue to pray that the Lord will bless us when the time is right! I will update with my E2 levels tomorrow, lets hope for good numbers!!

Update...

Today I am feeling emotionally confused. We waited our month of rest,with me optimistically thinking things would happen all by itself. We had decided we would have to wait several months to save up some more money to try again. As much as my heart really wants to try again, Josh & my mind tell me we have to take some time. It is so disappointing knowing that.
I called Dr. Moore's office today to see what our next step is....basically it will be the same protocol. Oral medications, injections, every other day blood work, frequent ultrasounds, and the IUI. And I immediately get stressed thinking about doing this again! Stress about getting my work schedule just right, constantly having to switch shifts with people. Stress about the money that is spent every time I go in for blood work. Stress and FEAR that I will hyperstimulate again. That was miserable the first time around, I can only imagine if it was worse. But yet, my heart says go for it, it will all be worth it if I get pregnant!
I know that everything will work out, and I don't need to stress and let things happen the way they are supposed to. But it is just me, I am constantly thinking, worrying, and trying to control things & I just need to leave it in God's hands.

I just never thought it would take us this long, this September will be 1 year. I started a new hobby of making jewelry, which has been a great distraction for me. I guess I am gonna have to try selling what I make, because every little penny gets us closer to our dream! :) So, we are still unsure if we are willing to take this leap of faith just ONE more time!

Where do we start?

The day you make the big decision to start a family is amazing. You are so full of hope and excitement, but also fearful at the same time. Little did Josh and I know that things were going to be, lets say a challenge for us....

At the beginning of our journey, things were great...or so we thought they were. About 4 months into it, I found out that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Basically, my ovaries are covered with cysts, causing my hormones to be out of whack, which in turn does not allow my body to ovulate. There are different severity's of PCOS, many people can get pregnant without any medical help, I on the other hand can not. I was started on a medication called Metformin in December 2009. Metformin is an oral medication for diabetics, although I am not diabetic, the thought was to fix my insulin levels which would fix my hormone levels (they all play a role together). The metformin made me sooooo sick for about a month, I basically had to eat like a diabetic until my body adjusted to it. Now that my body has adjusted, I can eat all the sugar or carbs I want :) Several months after discovering that the metformin hasn't done anything for me, I was started on Clomid. Clomid is an oral fertility drug that is supposed to make you ovulate (nasty side effects!!). I tried different dosages for 3 months and never got any results. Each month was full of what if this doesn't work, mood swings (poor Josh), MAJOR hot flashes, emotional breakdowns...then heartache to discover nothing was working. That is when my OBGYN decided it was time for me to move onto a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that specialized in PCOS and could do further treatment that she wouldn't be able to do for me. To hear that you are being referred to a "fertility doctor" was the most heartbreaking thing for me, I couldn't help but tear up when she told me that. The first thought that popped into my head was...$$ How are we going to be able to afford this?! I have NO idea how much this is going to cost...What 24 year old has to see a fertility doctor?! It shouldn't be this hard...Then I started to lose hope on everything....

As Josh and I walk into Dr. Edward Moore's (Carolina Center for Fertility) office I became extremely nervous. I had researched so much about PCOS and the "infertility talk" that I felt a little at ease because it wouldn't all be foreign to me. Now, Josh on the other hand doesn't speak much medical lingo, so it was a little different for him. We sat down in Dr. Moore's office for our first consultation. As we were talking, Dr.Moore gave me hope with the words "I will get you pregnant. I have a feeling at your age it won't take us long!" He told us that the first step would be for us to take an oral medication called Letrozole (a drug commonly given for breast cancer..shown to help with ovulation), give myself daily hormone injections, then have an IUI (intrauterine insemination). Dr. Moore said we had to take things VERY slowly because of the PCOS, if not I could produce a large amount of follicles which would increase our risk for multiples. Now, we are already increasing our risk of having multiples just by using fertility medications, so I agree we definatley need to take this slowly! He recommended that if my body over responded to the medications, then IVF (invitro fertilization) would be our best & last option of trying to have our own child. So we had a plan!! Josh and I were so full of hope and excitement about this next step. Also, turns out that my health insurance covers SOME of the infertility costs, so that is a HUGE weight lifted off of us!

A month later, our treatment starts. I started taking my oral Letrozole (which had NO nasty side effects, thank goodness), then I started my daily Follistim (injections in my stomach). When you take injectibles, you have to be monitored VERY closely. I had blood work drawn every other day until my numbers finally reached where we wanted them to be. Almost 1.5 weeks of blood work (which wasn't covered by insurance...so $130 or so a pop) then I got to have an ultrasound to see what was going on. My first ultrasound, I was so excited thinking there would be atleast 1 mature follicle. My heart was broken once again... no mature follicles. Just a TON of immature ones. So, I continued my injections and then came back for my every other day ultrasound... And still, nothing was mature yet! 2 more days passed and I FINALLY had 1 mature follicle and 2 follicles that were almost there. So we got the green light to give my injection of HCG. HCG makes the follicles be released within 36 hours, causing ovulation. I gave myself my HCG injection Saturday and then Josh and I had to go into the office Monday morning for our first IUI. I was extremely nervous, I don't know why because I had already done the most nerve wracking part leading up to the IUI. After the IUI, I was told to wait 2 weeks until I tested at home to see if I was pregnant! 2 weeks!!! I think I may go insane waiting that long!!!

So as the 2 week wait started on it's merry little path, we were optimistic. We didn't want to believe that it would work the first time, and then be heartbroken in the end. We were trying to be realistic about the situation. Several days after the IUI, I became miserable. My abdomen had swollen up so much that I looked like I was very pregnant! It hurt when I went to the bathroom, I gained 5 pounds in 2 days, none of my pants would button, I couldn't lay on my stomach, and I would get out of breath very easily. Something wasn't right..... I called Dr.Moore and they wanted to see me as soon as possible. I knew exactly what was wrong, I had read so much about OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). Dr. Moore said I had very large ovaries and moderate ascites (fluid on my abdomen) and that if it didn't get any better then I would have to have it drained by a needle. He also said "This must be a good sign, most women that get this turn out to be pregnant! If you are pregnant, it is most likely going to get worse before it gets better". I was instructed to bedrest, keep my feet up and relax until things got better. So needless to say, I hated that I had OHSS but I was so sure that I was pregnant!

Once my 2 week wait was over, my abdomen swelling had gone down alot. I took a pregnancy test, and of course it was negative....several days later I knew that our first cycle with IUI was over. I didn't know how to act, all I could do was cry and ask "why me? why is it so hard for us, who wants a child, can't have one?!" Josh has been my rock through all of this, he is always there to console me. He will just hug me when I'm upset and not ask a thing, because he already knows. We went back for a baseline ultrasound ( you must do these before you can move onto the next cycle) and my ovaries were still very large and had alot of cysts. So we have to wait atleast another month and see how things look....

So here we are now...waiting once again! Josh and I have come to peace about last month and are very optimistic about our next try. We believe that God has a plan for us, we must be patient and wait. I believe He has great things in store for us! As we wait, Josh and my relationship has gotten stronger than ever. We are so thankful to have such supportive family and friends. We continue to pray everyday that God will grace us with a beautiful baby Crolley one day! :)